Is there anything more satisfying than watching that dastardly villain suffer some horrible death at the end of a movie (the obvious answer is yes, but just run with me for a second)? And the more painful said death is, the more enjoyment the viewer can glean. That’s why expiration via melting is such a popular way to terminate villains, because can you imagine a more painful way to go than getting liquefied (again, the obvious answer is yes, but I’m gonna ask you to roll with me once more)? Here are the 8 most recognizable villains who perished by melting.
General Kala from Flash Gordon
In order to understand the motives and intentions of General Kala one must be fluent and proficient in the dialect of nerd. If not, the following paragraph will make no sense. Tasked with the responsibility of commanding all of the armies within the dictatorship of Mongo (a traveling and inhospitable planet that is ruled by the totalitarian tyrant, Emperor Ming), the beautiful and deadly General Kala is no stranger to vice and inexplicable evil. This was detailed during the torture session of Princess Aura, where Kala, along with Klytus (a vile android who heads Ming’s secret police force), spared no sympathy when using the dreaded bore worms to torment the rebellious royalty. However, her infinite wickedness was put to an end when Hans Zarkov managed to evade Kala’s laser barrage aboard his Hawkmen rocket-cycle, and put a fatal laser blast to her head, transforming her into a melted pile of black goo. And if you managed to read and understand any of the preceding text, you probably have yet to fondle the mammary gland of a woman.
Melting occurs at 2:30
Emil Antonowsky from RobocopPoor Emil Antonowsky. Not only is his name Emil (probably the last name a criminal would choose if intimidation was his goal), but his boss--who bears a strong resemblance to the father from That 70s Show--regularly beats him in front of his other co-workers/co-thieves. He also has gone bald at a reasonably young age, sports horrible sideburns, and uses cliché, henchmen one-liners like “It takes money to make money.” However, even with his blemishes, it’s only a matter of time before the Robocop-viewer starts to take pity and develop a sympathetic outlook on the hapless Emil. Because even the most ardent fans of robotic-justice have a hard time watching Red Foreman incessantly wallop someone for an hour and a half. Still, no matter how bad you feel for the woeful Mr. Antonowsky, seeing him get hit by that car after the toxic sludge melts him into a freak is, in the words of Emil himself, “totally awesome!”
Melting occurs at 0:19
Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?No one really knows why the once jovial and cordial Dr. Emmett Brown stopped traveling through time and started practicing law as an evil judge named Doom. But it’s rumored that during one of his time-traveling adventures, Doc Brown saw where his career was headed, and co-starring in the movie Santa Buddies scared him into a profession change. It was ultimately revealed that Judge Doom was actually a toon in disguise, and that he had about as much real skin and original flesh on his face as Joan Rivers (who looks equally as weird as the honorable judge). However, if the film Who Framed Roger Rabbit? taught us anything, it’s that if you ever come across an animated Judge who use to time-travel, you shouldn’t hesitate to dunk him in toxic goop and steal his magical, flying DeLorean. One point twenty one Giggawatts!
Melting occurs at 3:51
Stripe from GremlinsUpon seeing the movie Gremlins, everyone thought the same thing: I want one of those adorable Mogwais. Even the prospect of one turning into a deadly Gremlin capable of slaying entire towns through hilarious hi-jinx and ball-bustin’ gags, was not enough to discourage people from yearning to cuddle with that cute Gizmo. In fact, so strong was the desire to see a real life Mogwai, that many governments pumped tons of money into top secret projects attempting to create those precious animal-monster-things. Unfortunately, the closest anyone came to replicating one was those lame Furbie robots that everybody’s younger cousin wanted for Christmas. Hopefully the future still holds the possibility of creating real Mogwais, because if there is one goal I want to accomplish before death, it’s making my own adorable Mogwai spawn into a deadly Gremlin who I then can melt in the sunlight like a popsicle or Michael Jackson’s plastic skin.
T-1000 from Terminator 2Evil robots capable of morphing into anyone or anything can be a bitch to fight. Just ask the Governor of California. So if you’re gonna take one on, there are a couple of things you ought to know. First, and probably most importantly, you’re going to need the help of an android sent from the future to protect you; otherwise you won’t stand a chance. Secondly, I’d advise you to hang out around steel refineries, because like Superman, that specific variety of robot seems to only have one weakness (two, if you count piano cat. T-1000 loves piano cat), and that’s extremely hot/liquefied metal. And last, I’d familiarize yourself with extremely powerful and deadly weaponry, because while a grenade to the chest of that morphing-robot won’t kill it, it will allow for your future Gubernatorial robo-protector to land a couple of punches to his transforming-noggin. Once you get those steps down it should be a cinch, now all that’s left to do is enjoy the strange screams that robot will emit once you make it do an impression of a snowman in June.
Melting occurs at 0:05
Gollum from LOTR: Return of the KingA strange lizard-man who is fanatical about jewelry (rings in particular), is just asking to be melted down, and so when the opportunity presents itself, don’t hesitate to chuck that bastard into the base of a volcano. And while you’re at it why don’t you chuck that fat, hairy-footed guy who starred in Goonies years ago, and who won’t stop following you, into the base of that volcano too. However, if you only have time to choose one, make sure it’s that Beagle, or Smeagol, or whatever his name is, because I’m not always sure that when he’s begging to touch his precious, that he’s still talking about that ring. That being said, if I had a ring that made me invisible I wouldn’t be a stranger to getting my hands on “my precious” either.
Melting occurs at 4:01
Toht from Raiders of the Lost ArkIf you try and tell a kid that once there was a time when Indiana Jones movies didn’t suck you’re bound to get laughed at, followed by a throttling via tiny hands (video games have made today’s youth ultra violent). But it’s true; there was a period when Indy didn’t have a crappy son who swung from vines. And in order to prove this to that young and violent child, you need to go no further than the climactic Nazi-melting scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Then watch as the melting of the wicked Toht brings sadistic glee to that embittered youth, and you can feel good in knowing that you contributed to the desensitization of a minor. After that, I’d try to get as far away from that kid as possible, because I can guarantee he’s already started pondering how he could liquefy you.
Melting occurs at 3:30
The Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of OZWe all understand that witches are evil, but when the adjective “wicked” has been added to the front of one’s name the point is really driven home that this bitch means trouble. And yet if only her victims knew that when touched by water she disintegrates, I don’t think they would have been quite so hasty to tack on that ole wicked adjective. I mean, shouldn’t that town of midgets have noticed that the WWotW never assaulted their tiny municipality during rain storms? Regardless of how the witch with the most glaring Achilles Heel ever managed to live as long as she did, it didn’t take a teenager too long to figure out what her kryptonite was. And thus we were all treated to the WWotW repeatedly describing how she was being killed even though it was perfectly obvious to anyone with basic problem-solving skills (which leaves out the midget town’s residents).
