Ten films that only make real sense after the pub

#10
Street Fighter



What? Jean-Claude Van Damme flexes his considerable muscles in this so-bad-it’s-funny big screen take on the undeniably awesome purveyor of arm-to-arm combat on consoles, Street Fighter. In the film, General M Bison is an evil dictator, and Colonel William F Guile (JCVD) and his team want to get him, and get him good. When pissed, it’s gloriously ridiculous.

Watch when: You’ve drunk so much super Strongbow you can only make out images and sounds. But definitely not words.

Best bit: Colonel Guile’s impassioned speech straight after being fired, including the best intro to a battle cry ever: “I’m gonna get on my boat, and I’m gonna go up river…”


#9
The One



What? After Final Destination, director James Wong decided getting a superhuman criminal called Yu-Law (Jet Li) chased by Multiverse Authority agent Evan Funsch (Jason Statham) was a good plan. The only problem for Funsch is Yu-Law thinks that by absorbing versions of himself from alternate universes he’ll become a god. Obviously.

Watch when: You’ve been on the Stella but would much rather watch Statham and Li fight than get into a ruckus of your own.

Best bit: When Jet Li fights himself using a combination of tai chi and wing chun. Neither of which we understand.


#8
The Punisher



What? Based on the Marvel Comics character of the same name, The Punisher tracks Frank Castle on his never-ending quest to avenge the death of his family, a deed that was ordered by mega-bastard money launderer Howard Saint (John Travolta). The action is constant, relentless and spectacular.

Watch when: You’ve been on the White Lightning, because that too was adapted from something pure (apples) and turned into something far darker.

Best bit: The film’s climax, when Saint is caught up in a car-smash fireball of Castle’s making.


7
The Matrix Revolutions



What? The third and least good Matrix movie that continues to track Neo’s (Keanu Reeves) exploration of a simulated reality created by machines. The fight scenes are stunning, and it’s an overwhelming visual romp that makes up for the patchy and vastly overdone plot lines.

Watch when: You’re feeling excitedly lucid because you’ve drunk too much vodka and Red Bull but can’t be arsed to go clubbing.

Best bit: Neo and Smith’s (Hugo Weaving) final confrontation which is long, detailed and beautifully shot.

6
Dude, Where’s My Car? 



What? Seann William Scott has probably had funnier moments (all of them as Stifler), but Ashton Kutcher definitely hasn’t and probably never will. For while the entire storyline is based on two dudes trying to find their stolen car, there are some stupid jokes. And when you’re twunted, stupid jokes are great.

Watch when: You’re feeling giggly because you’ve had way too many cocktails that have names related to something to do with sex.

Best bit: Ashton Kutcher’s failure to order Chinese food (because he’s an arse) and the excellent retaliation of the woman taking the order.

5
Super Troopers



What? The likeable cult-classic about the Vermont police force is great when your brain in swimming because it gives you great ideas for pranks to pull on your buddies. Jay Chandrasekhar is an infinitely funny dude as Lieutenant Arcot "Thorny" Ramathorn, who goes out with a hippy. GUTTED.

Watch when: You’re feeling mischievous because you’ve had four pints of real pale ale in an outside beer garden and are feeling lazy, but not tired.

Best bit: When the troopers suggest to three dudes driving around stoned off their faces that they’re going to have to smoke the whole bag of weed they threw onto the road in front of them. They're not keen.

4
Dirty Sanchez: The Movie



What? Unsatisfied with being more hardcore but less funny than Jackass on the small screen, Pritchard, Dainton, Pancho and Joycey decided it was important to take their Welsh brand of self-harm to the cinema. They were correct. And it’s one of the ultimate films to watch when your regular levels of decency have been stripped away by boozing.

Watch when: You’ve been hitting the tequila hard and are ready to subject yourself to barbarous levels of pain.

Best bit: When Pancho has liposuction without using anaesthetic. Mental.


3
Crank



What? Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is a hitman who gets poisoned and has to keep his adrenalin pumping constantly, or he will die. It’s just like Speed, with Statham as the bus. His muscles are way bigger than any bus though, which is probably why he’s so good at doing all of his fairly impressive stunts all by himself.

Watch when: You’re sick of women and just want some chest-beating manliness in your life. Possibly after drinking loads of Guinness. Or Special Brew.

Best bit: The extreme violence that ebbs threw the entirety of the film.

2
Human Traffic



What? A debauched look at a group of twenty-somethings who live for the weekend and when it comes round go fucking mental and consume anything and everything that might make your brain go fuzzy. It’s a perfect film for keeping you in the mood, or for having on in the background at a party because it’s so bloody lively.

Watch when: You’ve got way too much energy to do anything but party the hell on.

Best bit: Danny Dyer, before being in films all about the same thing, puts in a sterling performance as Moff.

1
Withnail & I


What? It’s good to watch when you’re pissed, because it’s about getting pissed. It’s an ideal companion to getting lashed, because you can drink everything that Richard E Grant and Paul McGann drink in the film. You won’t regret it: that lighter fluid will slip down like a cup of honey and milk.

Watch when: You are wankered and want to get even more wankered because really, what the bloody hell is the point in life if you can’t spend a good amount of time getting wankered?

Best bit(s): Withnail: “I demand to have some booze!” Withnail: “Two large gins, two pints of cider, ice in the cider.”