Reality TV is extremely hit or miss. Being able to sit through the broadcast of any of these train wrecks requires would-be viewers to understand these shows are invariably trashy - but it is precisely the trashiness of it that makes it fun to to watch. Heated rivalries develop between strangers, and secret alliances that form and crumble before our eyes. Ultimately, these shows are entertaining because the fame-whores we are watching will do anything for fortune and celebrity. However entertaining this trend may be, there have been examples that were either too brutality difficult to watch, or just plain awful, and subsequently were canceled. Below are thirteen of the worst examples that some how made it into production, and for which we as a society ought be embarrassed for having watched – even if it was just for a few weeks:
Tommy Lee Goes to College
A common plot angle reality-land is to take a celebrity and feature him or her doing rather ordinary, unspectacular things. The hope of the producers is that the viewer might be able to relate on some level to the enviornment of the show, while at the same time waiting in suspense for the celebrity to make an otherwise bland situation wild and crazy. Often, this idea sounds alright on paper, yet falls flat on upon the obvious constraints of reality when put in front of the camera.”Tommy Lee Goes to College” was perhaps the best example of this. Ignoring that millions of people go to college every day and don’t get cameras shoved in their face, the network went ahead and dressed Tommy Lee up like a rock star trying to get straight and turned him loose on a college campus. Did chaos ensue? Did Lee soar around campus on a flying drum machine, spreading heavy metal music from the quad to the gymnasium? No. Rather, he simply tried to undertake ordinary college challenges like finding a roommate, joining a fraternity and studying chemistry. The show was made even more mind-numbing by the disclaimer at the end reminding viewers that Lee was not actually enrolled at the University of Nebraska and that certain situations were generated for comic effect.
Gene Simmons Family Jewels“Family Jewels” was a reality show that centered around the now washed-up Gene Simmons and his family life. Where this went wrong was in assuming that people cared about what this old guy does at home. KISS’ whole gimmick involved outrageous costumes and strange make up which kept their “mortal” identities hidden for the better part of their career. All of this was done in order to cast a “larger than life,” or “rock god” image. There is nothing rock and roll about watching Gene Simmons talk to his wife about the house rules or partake in basic household upkeep. An article on TV.com described the show by saying: “See the softer side of this metal manic as he balances his rock star life with his role as a dad.” KISS used to stand for a movement in America that ran counter to traditional values, inspiring a new generation of kids to defy authority, spin records backwards listening for Satan, paint their faces with crazy designs and scream like mad in front of a stage that Gene Simmons would grace with a domineering and imposing presence. Then we were forced to watched him getting upset because the batteries in the remote control were dead, and he didn’t want to make a trip to CVS to get new ones.
The Apprentice: Martha StewartHere’s a great idea: Let’s have people study business from a woman who went to jail for corporate crime. Then we’ll air it! Perhaps the show was filmed before she was brought up on insider trading charges, you might be thinking. Wrong. The show was aired in 2005, mere months after her release from prison. In fact many of the episodes had to be shot from her house because she was still serving the 5 month house arrest part of her sentence (and still had a bleeping anklet) . “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” did quite bad in the ratings, garnering a meager 7 Million viewers a week. Some wonder why the numbers ended up coming out so low, but ask yourself this: Would you want to learn to fly from a man who just crashed his plane into a field? Probably not, and it isn’t surprising that Stewart, an ex-white collar convict did not come off as a convincing business mentor. At least The Donald looked cool when he had to fire people, Martha just waved her hand and said “goodbye.” It seems the viewers waved back.
Are You Hot?Could there be a more vapid, insipid and prosaic theme for a show? “Are You Hot” set people before a panel of judges and were simply judged on the basis of physical appearance. Not for nothing, but anyone with Internet access has been able to participate in the exact same activity since early this decade on HotOrNot.com. At least shows like “America’s Got Talent” or “So You Think You Can Dance” are entertaining for the competition factor, and the fact that contestants posses actual, non-silicon skills. Are You Hot felt more like a boring activity that we have all played spanning the local mall in high school. Calling it “The search for America’s sexiest people” was just a better way of putting it.
Armed and Famous“Armed and Famous” disappeared into obscurity after only one season. The basic idea behind the show was to train celebrities to become police officers in the Munice, Indiana Police Department. Upon graduation they were sent out on the job as an officer. During production, do you think anyone stopped to think that they shouldn’t be arming people like Jack Osbourne and Wee Man, and giving them the right to search homes and arrest citizens? Policemen are supposed to be upright citizens with a desire to uphold justice. Additionally, ex-wrestling babes and ”Jackass” cast members aren’t exactly shining examples of keen judgment, and the show ended with a lawsuit filed from a woman who’s house was illegally searched by one of these degenerates-cum-lawmen.
Breaking Bonaduce“Breaking Bonaduce” was a terribly mean spirited reality show that meretriciously trotted former child star Danny Bonaduce’s ( “The Douche”) abominable personal life out in open. Danny’s life has been marked by substance abuse, helter-skelter romances, and who can forget his arrest for physically assaulting a transvestite. Bonaduce claims that he had a very emotionally abusive father creating a violent early home life. Couple that with the weird lifestyle led by child actors and you have recipe for disaster. The show ended up being too painful to watch – we were watching a man attempt suicide, fall into a mire of drugs and relationship problems, and repeatedly air his deepest personal pains in therapy sessions. One television critic was quoted as saying, “…It’s hard to imagine a shower long enough to wash away the experience of simply viewing the show, much less having produced, programmed or participated in it.” The producers didn’t seem to mind, however. The tagline of this circus of depravity was “You have every right to slow down and watch,” clearly likening Danny’s life to a horrific car crash.
Celebrity Bull Riding“Celebrity Bull Riding” was a show for only the most desperate of washed-up celebs. Bull riding is perhaps the most dangerous of all sports. Jumping on the back of an half-ton violent animal with horns who wants you dead is not for the inexperienced (and the number of injured or killed bull riders every year makes one wonder if it should even be for the experienced). Not to be deterred from getting their name back in the public eye, several celebrities who should have fired their managers met on bull rider Ty Murray’s ranch for ten days of training before an ultimate competition. Among the celebrity riders were has-been rapper/deplorable heavy metal singer Vanilla Ice. Lungs were punctured, ribs were broken, backs were seriously sprained, hands were stomped on, horrible falls were taken, and a few contestants had to quit less than five days in. The show featured only six episodes and has never had a repeat season.
Cold TurkeyDuped into believing they were embarking on a thrilling adventure, a group of addicted cigarette smokers were brought together and forced to quit smoking. The concept of “Cold Turkey ” was at once sadistic and pointless. The cruel concept induces nicotine withdrawal – an awful visceral experience forced upon unwilling contestants. The real angle of the show is seen sticking them all into a house together, exasperated, strung out and offended, to quarrel with each other for the viewing public. Let us not forget, a true cigarette smoker will not quit until they decide that they want to. It is likely that most contestants forced picked up a pack less than a week after being released from the house, making the show little more than a boring and mindless indulgence in the suffering of others.
Growing Up GottiDid somebody say Jagerbombs? Growing up Gotti was a reality show that sent all the wrong messages. First, it taught a generation of 20-something year old males with any amount of Italian in their blood that it was attractive to walk around in gold chains, wife beaters and blown out haircuts espousing words like “stounad,” “skank,” and “douchebag.” Secondly, the show ignored the unquestionable fact that John Gotti was not “cool.” There is nothing respectable about violent organized crime and there was no good reason to idolize his family with a national television show. What was the intended message? If you kill a couple people, we’ll send you to jail, but if you kill 13 people, commit racketeering, obstruction of justice, conspiracy to commit murder, illegal gambling, extortion, tax evasion and loan-sharking, we’ll give you a TV show.
Paris Hilton’s My New BFFThe title of the show alone should have struck fear into the hearts of parents with sons or daughters competing. Paris Hilton’s BFF (standing for best friend forever) was a shallow and meaningless competition to befriend a snooty rich girl. The show never makes it totally clear, but being Paris’ friend is certainly not for the light-hearted. Though Paris has claimed to never have used drugs on Larry King, MTV.com points out that videos have turned up featuring Paris talking about smoking pot, buying quaaludes, sifting through piles of mushrooms and proudly declaring, “I have the best pot!” The airing of Paris Hilton’s “My New BFF” calls into question how many beauty obsessed, money crazy, material girls can you fit in front of one camera before your ears bleed out and your mind turns to mush. The airing of the second season of the show makes it all too clear that Paris never hangs out with the winner of the show, which might be a good thing. Unless you’re into piling psychedelics into your system and riding your bike around Europe higher than a kite, it might be best not to be Paris Hilton’s new BFF.
Tool AcademyTricked into thinking they are going to be competing for the title of “Mr. Awesome,” several thick-headed and self-absorbed men were given to VH1 in order to be transformed from arrogant, boorish pricks into respectable and decent men. To make matters worse, it was their girlfriends who, tired of the pompous and asinine ways in which they behaved, pulled off the elaborate con. The premise was that the girls tricked them into going on the show in hopes they might return as gentlemen who don’t kiss their muscles in the mirror every morning. In the end, the show was completely see-through, obviously acted, and barely enjoyable at that. If you want to see a bunch of self absorbed, greased up, cheap beer pounding womanizers slapping each other on the backs and wearing outrageous sunglasses and talking like they learned their vocabulary from bad mafia movies, just spend a couple days at the Jersey Shore. “Tool Academy” proved an utter waste of time, the fleeting joys of which only came when two bros would fight each other, and even then you had to stop and just what the hell wonder what you were doing with your night/life.
Sexual HealingAs another show taking advantage of the hilarious suffering of others, Sexual Healing aired live sexual therapy with distraught couples. Sexual therapy, in case you were wondering, is not sex itself, it is talking therapy about what specifically has not been working right in you and your partner’s sex life. The show capitalizes on whats known as the “train wreck effect.” This means the stories you see on the show are so terrible to watch that you cannot look away. Couples must, in one episode, undergo a week long therapy workshop which can get pretty racy, and also quite embarrassing. Anyone who believes that real therapy is being administered here is kidding themselves. Anyone watching soon understands that the show is a ruse, and that its only reason to exist is to play off the human tendency to find enjoyment in the embarrassing suffering of others.
Real Chance of LovePerhaps the most painful snooze on reality programming, “Real Chance of Love” featured women competing to date obscure rappers nick-named Real and Chance. Brothers and singers of the rap duo “The Stallionares,” Real and Chance nickname their contestants early on so as to remember them by their traits. Some of the more memorable names have been “Corn Fed,” “Meatball” and “Bay Bay Bay.” Ultimately, the show consists of the weird-looking brothers trying to get to know the potential gold diggers better before selecting who they will allow to spend all their money for the rest of their lives. America had no idea who Real and Chance were until they had their own show, let’s be honest. And, the two aren’t even unique or interesting to watch as they catcall females, drop hints about their money and “swagger” and make sexual inuendos left and right while all the while whittling the list down. The show reminded one of “Flavor of Love”, except that Flavor Flav cranked out more laughs in one episode than these two clowns managed to do all season.
