Are these really the right type of people that should be telling you to buy their products? I think not.
7UP - Cool Spot
Why he/she sucks: Draw a red dot, stick some sunglasses and limbs on it, and then give the thing it’s on video game. What do you get? A mascot that endorses a non-caffeinated soft drink of course! This is perhaps one of the laziest mascots I have seen drawn today.
Let me tell you another thing. In the Cool Spot video game, to kill enemies Spot would shoot 7 UP soda bubbles out of his hands. Killing things with the very same beverage that you endorse is not a good way of promoting it.
Cocoa Puffs - Sonny the Cuckoo BirdWhy he/she sucks: Yeah Sonny, we got it, you’re “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.” As a transitive verb, cuckoo means “To repeat incessantly, as a cuckoo does its call.” Now you get a cuckoo bird to keep saying the same damn expression over and over for years on TV, you’re going to remember it.
Repetition is good at helping people remember your brand, but if General Mills decided to keep this cuckoo bird on TV saying the same thing over and over again today, I think less people would buy their cereal out of spite. You had a good run, Sonny but I hope you never come back you S.O.B.
Trojan Condoms - Trojan ManWhy he/she sucks: The reason why Trojan Man became so popular was because he was the biggest cock-block on TV. The guy will just show up with his trusty horse anytime a couple was about to make love. While doing the nasty, it seems like a real buzz kill when someone yells “Trojan Man” and a horse neighs. Trojan Man = buzz kill / cock block.
Lucky Charms - Lucky The LeprechaunWhy he/she sucks: Lucky the Leprechaun was a greedy bastard. He was always very paranoid about people stealing his cereal. Everyone was always after his Lucky Charms and he never wanted to share.
Lucky would run around saying that his cereal was “magically delicious” too. Whenever I eat Lucky Charms, the marshmallows turn soggy and the milk color changes. Sure the cereal is delicious, but nothing seems magical about that. Lucky sucks for being so paranoid about a subpar cereal.
Trix - Trix RabbitWhy he/she sucks: I’ve never seen any mascot more pathetic than the Trix Rabbit. The rabbit would always try to trick kids into giving him a bowl of cereal, but he would get outsmarted every time only be told “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.” At one point, General Mills ran a commercial where kids actually voted as to whether he should get cereal or not because people felt so damn bad for the rabbit.
In an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bell-Air, Carlton Banks recalled how upset he was by the victimized rabbit. “For a long time it gave me nightmares, it shows that the world can sometimes be cruel. I can still hear them taunting him. Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids. Why couldn’t they just give him some cereal?!”
Thanks a lot of making kids feel sad, Trix Rabbit. Buzz kill.
Taco Bell - ChihuahuaWhy he/she sucks: “¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!” I think this dog set back getting rid of Mexican stereotypes for years. The chihuahua breed of dogs are commonly associated with Mexico so it apparently it was the perfect choice for Taco Bell. They even had the dog speak Spanish and wear sombreros in some commercials.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua campaign ended after the dog died and Hispanic advocacy groups lobbied against it. ¡Matar el estereotipo!
Tootsie Pop - Mr. OwlWhy he/she sucks: A curious boy went around and ask a cow, a fox, a turtle, and an owl how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. All of the animals except for the owl told the boy that they are not capable of answering the question because they end up biting on the lollipop. Finally when the boy asked the owl, the bird licks it twice and then bites on it. The owl answered “three” to the question and that pissed the boy off.
“How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know,” stated the narrator of the commercial after the owl bit the lollipop.
Mr. Owl truly sucks because he lied to our faces when he said it only takes three licks to get to the center.
Wal-Mart - Rollback ManWhy he/she sucks: Hey Wal-Mart, I liked this mascot the first time when he was telling me to “Have A Nice Day.” Wal-Mart used this mascot to lower prices on goods in their stores by using karate, a wristwatch laser, and a spinning bow-tie. The mascot showed up in 2003, around the same time that Wal-Mart spent about $400 million on TV advertising. Perhaps they should have put that money towards hiring a marketing company to come up with a more viral mascot.
Rollback Man is so easy to parody whenever Wal-Mart is in the middle of some sort of controversy. Just turn that smile upside down and you have the perfect Wal-Mart parody. Besides, I never smile that big when I shop at Wal-Mart either. Whenever I go to Wal-Mart I just wanna get in, get my stuff, and get the hell out. Wal-Mart has forever tainted the expression “Have A Nice Day” with that mascot.
Toys “R” Us - Geoffrey GiraffeWhy he/she sucks: Toys “R” Us introduced Geoffrey the Giraffe in the 1960’s. Geoffrey was eventually given a family too. Geoffrey had a wife named Gigi. However there was a campaign malfunction and they did not make it clear whether Gigi was Geoffrey’s wife or sister. Geoffrey also had a daughter named Baby Gee and a son named Geoffrey Junior.
Geoffrey disappeared for a long time, but Toys “R” Us revived him in 2001 voiced by Jim Hanks, brother of Tom Hanks. Geoffrey sucks because the company that he is the mascot for can’t even keep him consistent. They don’t know whether to keep or get rid of him. And they don’t know who his family is. EPIC FAIL!
Pillsbury - Pillsbury Doughboy (a.k.a. Poppin’ Fresh)Why he/she sucks: There are so many things wrong with the Pillsbury Doughboy. From his basic appearance to his notorious giggle after being poked, this Doughboy does not have much going for him.
First of all his appearance makes him look like he could be the bad guy in a Ghostbusters movie. I don’t know whether to eat him right away or bake him. He’s also wearing a handkerchief scarf. You don’t put that on a dude. What is the deal with that chef’s hat too? Is he planning on baking himself?
This mascot also makes you feel bad. He is poked at more than all of your Facebook friends combined. The only thing he can do out of defense is giggle like a schoolgirl. I’d like to see a Pillsbury commercial where the Doughboy takes his revenge on that dastardly finger.
Kool Aid - Kool Aid ManWhy he/she sucks: The number one reason why this guy sucks is because he is such a loose cannon. The Kool-Aid Man makes extreme sports look easy. Kool-Aid Man also breaks through brick walls like it was a wet tissue. Just imagine if this character existed in real life, do you realize how much property damage he would cause?
Kool Aid Man sucks for multiple reasons. His video game was a flop. Dane Cook made a skit about how he always feared that the Kool Aid Man would break his wall when he was a kid. And the Kool Aid Man breaks through a wall at the most awkward times, like when Peter Griffin was sentenced guilty of a crime on Family Guy.
Kellogg’s Fruit Loops - Toucan SamWhy he/she sucks: Toucan Sam sucks because he is very arrogant. He always shows off his strong sense of smell. “Follow my nose! It always knows!” Toucan can always sniff out Froot Loops from far distances and he just loves to show that off. Well I’ve got something he can smell right here.
Oh yeah and if he’s really that good at sniffing out cereal, then maybe he should be helping out some of the other mascots in the breakfast club, like the Trix Rabbit. Trix Rabbit is always trying to get some cereal, but none of the other cereal mascots help him out. Toucan Sam = arrogant bird prick.
Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes - Tony the TigerWhy he/she sucks: “They’re Grreat!” Oh I see what you did there Kellogg’s. You made him partially growl when saying “great” because he’s a tiger. Real clever. Now why you don’t you take that expression and keep repeating it in commercials over 4 decades. Oh wait, you already did that.
Yeah Tony the Tiger is also pretty fit, but that handkerchief around his neck makes him look feminine. You don’t see Shere Khan from The Jungle Book sporting a handkerchief. The handkerchief degrades what is supposed to be a ferocious animal.
Cookie Crisp - Officer Crumb, the Cookie Crisp Crook, and Chip the Cookie HoundWhy he/she sucks: Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t police officers have better things to do than to arrest people that steal cereal? There are bigger crimes being committed out there. Since when did cops stereotypically like cookies too? I thought donuts were their weakness.
The cop-crook-hound campaign first started by having the crook constantly outsmarting the cop and running off with the cereal. But this was sending the wrong message to kids so they started to allow the cop to catch the crook. Great! Cookie Crisp makes the cops look dim-witted when they first started.
Now let’s talk about the dog. The dog is clearly fat from eating so much cereal. There is a subtle message there that says not too eat too much Cookie Crisp otherwise you’ll get fat too. Mascot fail!
Burger King - The Burger KingWhy he/she sucks: When Burger King hired advertising agency Crispin Porter + Bogusky in 2003, they probably expect that a year later, they would have a “creepy king” as their mascot. This creepy king first showed up on TV in bed with another man. The unsuspecting man looked a bit stunned to see the king there, but after he was handed a breakfast sandwich, they had a real good laugh together.
I have to give the king some credit though. At least he made breakfast for the man the morning after. That is very gentleman-like. But that still does not take away the fact that The Burger King was there without consent. If a guy in a plastic Burger King suit did that to me, I’d chase him around with a shovel.
BTW, they’re making a movie with this guy. Epic flop on the way?
Honey Nut Cheerio’s - BuzzBeeWhy he/she sucks: On TV, BuzzBee seemed to have the personality of an annoying salesman. In the commercials, BuzzBee would always offer a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerio’s to some random stranger, but they would often times refuse. BuzzBee would remind that person what ingredients are in the cereal and persuade them into eating it.
The commercials were cheesy and overplayed. One of the most annoying had Ebenezer Scrooge in it. Someone should have swatted that annoying sales bee a long time ago.
Meow Mix - Cats that sing the Meow Mix jinglesWhy he/she sucks: These are some of the most annoying cats of all time. They would either talk about how they want chicken and liver or would just repeat “meow” over and over and over again. It’s actually so annoying that the song gets stuck in your head.
Meow Mix has used these two jingles for almost four decades. That is just being lazy. Just because you can get a song stuck in people’s heads, that doesn’t mean we want it to be around for 40 years. Meow Mix either needs to make a new song, change it up a bit, or do something different!
Energizer - Energizer BunnyWhy he/she sucks: The Energizer Bunny has been around since 1989 and has become a marketing icon for the battery company. The pink Energizer Bunny was originally used to spoof a Duracell commercial in which multiple toy bunnies running on regular batteries would die and the only remaining pink toy bunny with a copper top battery lasted.
So far the Energizer Bunny has been used in over 115 commercials. The slogan often times associated with the Energizer Bunny is “nothing outlasts the Energizer…” Creating a mascot out of a parody and dragging it on for 20 years seems pretty lame to me. I thought the Energizer Bunny was great in the first 10 commercials, but to keep the mascot going and going and going and going for another 105 just gives me a headache as he continues to pound away on that bass drum.
Hawaiian Punch - Punchy Why he/she sucks: Punchy is a real jerk. He would ask people whether they want some Hawaiian Punch and if they said yes, he’d literally sock them in the face. Who does that? This guy thinks he’s a real prankster, but I think he is the biggest douchebag of all commercial mascots.
If people started doing that in real life, you know how many injured kids would be out there. Notice how Punchy doesn’t have any pants on either? If some guy with no pants on ever socked me after asking if I want a Hawaiian Punch, you’d find him sleeping with the fishes.
Domino’s Pizza - Noid
Why he/she sucks: Noid is the most preposterous commercial mascots of all time. The guy just looked like a nut job with rabbit ears. “Avoid the Noid” was Domino’s Pizza slogan because the Noid would make it his duty to ruin any pizza that he saw.
This slogan pissed off a mentally ill Domino’s Pizza customer because he thought the slogan was directed at him. He held up two employees at a Domino’s restaurant in Atlanta for over five hours because of it. He forced the employees to make him a pizza, demanded $100,000 and a getaway car, and then demanded a copy of a novel called The Widow’s Son. Kenneth Noid was charged not guilty from insanity.
I’m glad the Noid is gone and I hope he never comes back.
