Too soon?! There’s never going to be a good time any longer to see the late David Carradine talking about how he energizes his brain and trachea as part of his fitness regimen. But this is a good a time as any to consider the fact that perhaps some celebrities do not need to attach themselves to a fitness or workout video. And yet. It seems as though most of them do. Even the awkward, out-of-shape celebs. We know there are hundreds of crazy celebrity workout videos out there in existence. Not all of them are on the Internet. But we found these 16.
16. ZSA ZSA GABOR
“It’s Simple, Darling!” Wait. Hold on a second. Is 16 supposed to be the 16th best, or are we making 16 the best. Because this is the best. It’s Zsa Zsa! With a muscle man and double entendres! How could anything be crazier than this??? This is so much what this post is all about. But there’s more. So much more…
15. JACKIE MASON
“Would you like to look like me? Or are you happy with the way you look?” We’re pretty sure that Jackie Mason is in on the joke. That this is, in fact, a joke video. And yet, it’s Jackie Mason. On a treadmill. In his PJs. Did you watch the whole thing? Did anyone?
14. GWYNETH PALTROW
Word is Gwyneth, when she’s not being all about her Goop (that’s actually the name of her lifestyle website), is all about working out and is making her own fitness video. Here she is demonstrating her techniques for the Oprah. We just liked the fact that she does a “band workout.” Get it, Coldplay? Except she keeps the room hot, not cold. Here’s the video clip.
13. MILTON BERLE
Wait? What? Uncle Milty made a workout video? And you can buy it on Amazon.com? Get out of town. No, seriously. If you buy this or are thinking of buying this, then you will need to move out of town because we cannot have you living near us.
12. DAVID CARRADINE
OK. So this is now a most unfortunate celebrity endorsement for your spiritual fitness regimen, especially since Carradine is talking about how great this is for his trachea. And if a guy knows a lot about his trachea, it’s no longer this guy. Hey, don’t look at us. We didn’t make him do it.
11. PAULA ABDUL
Watching Abdul on American Idol, standing up out of her seat and bobbing along to every single song, you may have forgotten that she first made her living as a professional dancer and choreographer for the Laker Girls and then for Janet Jackson, Miss Jackson if you’re nasty. So maybe a workout video from her is a good idea. Especially since it would mean she’s too busy moving to utter any of her now-legendary crazy talk. Uh-oh, she still talks in this clip! “Ha, ha, we’re tricking you.” MUTE! MUTE!
10. CHER
Cher may have stayed in good shape over the decades, but has she paid a price for it? We know that when we want to crunch our abs and get that six-pack, we want to do it in front of a fake sunset with cheeseball pop-rock playing in the background. This is supposed to inspire us? Not really.
9. CARMEN ELECTRA
For this aerobic striptease: “All you need is a bed and an attitude.” She is not joking, people. She is totally serious as she demonstrates how you can slut it up. Losing calories not included. Losing your mind is, though.
8. MARILU HENNER
Her “Dancerobics” routine from 1992 is available on VHS. So that tells you something. So does this review: “The nicest thing I can say about this tape is that Henner is often breathless, which makes me feel much better.”
7. THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR
Yes, Holly, Bridget and Kendra were not just famous for getting naked and letting Hugh Hefner all over them for a while so they could get their own TV show on E! and go their separate ways. They also had to look good naked. Which means plastic surgery! Or a workout video. Kendra shows you how to punch:
Bridget works your abs:
And Holly gets your lower body moving!
6. KATHIE LEE GIFFORD
Feeling fit and fabulous. And yet also horrible.
5. JESSICA SIMPSON
Jessica Simpson’s leaked exercise video never was supposed to be seen. Now we know why.
4. CHYNA
Who doesn’t want to look like Chyna? Everybody? Everybody. She wants to go six rounds with you. You cannot handle this.
3. DIXIE CARTER
This yoga workout video from 1992 is unfortunate on multiple levels, from the fashion to the music to the workout itself. “My husband advised me never to do this in public.” You should have taken his advice. And we’re not just whistling, Dixie!
2. ALYSSA MILANO
It’s called “Teen Steam.” Did you see that? Teen Steam! Repeat after us: We are not going to watch this. We are not going to be on Dateline. We are not going to have to notify the neighbors that we have moved into the neighborhood. Who’s the boss? We’re the boss.
1. O.J. SIMPSON
As he said in his “Minimum Fitness For Men” video. “The Juice, you’ve got to be smarter!” Smarter like in this clip of the out-takes from the video, shot in 1994? We repeat. 1994!
