The real world sucks, but Zombieland was awesome, so let's talk about zombies. I know you're saying to yourself, "I've never seen a zombie, how do I know they exist?" Relax and take it from me: I went to high school, I'm educated, and I know it is only a matter of time before the inevitable zombie apocalypse. In fact, I already have my bachelors in Zombie from Youtube University with an emphasis on Badass Killing. And it's now time for you to educate yourself before it’s too late. Here are 14 of the most badass ways to kill a zombie.
#1
Resident Evil Franchise: Supermodels
Milla Jovovich is my number one because in the event of a zombie apocalypse, there is no other weapon I’d rather put into action on a monster rising up out of the dark. Milla stars in the The Resident Evil franchise, which certainly has a thing for supermodels since most of the cast looks almost as good as her. One of the memorable kills she performs is on a cascade of zombie dogs who slobber more than I slobbered over the chance to use this smoking hot picture of Milla. In the scene, she puts the dogs down with a swift kick in the face and blasts from dual pistols just as they’re making a welcome-to-the-undead pounce.
Gore Score: 7 out of 10
#2
Evil Dead (1981): Chainsaw
Get the word out to zombie purists that killing deadite ass is just as marvelous as killing the undead. Thus, Bruce Campbell can’t be denied from this list by anyone, not even me, a boy scout since I was 17, a young 17 mind you. I've got as many merit badges as Bruce Campbell has one-liners— gazillions. When Campbell’s character, Ash, severs his own hand and the hand escapes, he captures the hand beneath a coffee can weighed down by the Ernest Hemingway classic "A Farewell To Arms.” No matter how long you argue over the definition of a zombie, realize there will never be another man who gave as much to comedic horror as Ash. If you still have both hands, then please give this man a dap and some clap-clap. Then watch what Ash does with a magically attached chainsaw:
Gore Score: 8 out of 10
#3
Braindead aka Dead Alive (1992): Lawnmower
Give me an incoherent movie with a big helping of mowing down zombies any day of the week. In 1992 before Lord of the Rings was cleaning up the box office, Peter Jackson took a gardening tool to the zombie genre and in the process managed to break a record for most fake blood on film. Apparently somewhere over 600 gallons of fake blood is used, most of it in the scene where Lionel Cosgrove strikes back at party-zombies with a lawnmower. If you’re like me and measure in beer, then you know 600 gallons is around 40 kegs of blood. Now that’s a good indicator of a successful zombie flick. Fill 'er up:
Gore Score: 10 out of 10
#4
Braindead aka Dead Alive (1992): Divine Intervention
I couldn’t choose just one method of badass from the goriest film of all time. The only safe place for me to watch this movie is on an airplane with my head on my mommy's lap. My apologizes for not including the zombie baby (who just disappears altogether from the script) on this list, but there’s no funnier scene than when the zombie killing priest, Father McGruder, starts to “kick ass for the Lord.” I gotta find a church with a priest like him because father who art in heaven, I have sinned. I am nowhere near the badass that Father McGruder is. Bless his soul:
Gore Score: 9 out of 10
#5
TIE - Dawn of the Dead (1978), Planet Terror (2007), 28 Weeks Later (2007): Helicopter
The last time I got the feeling someone was considering eating me was after I sat on five ketchup packets and Kevin Federline was ogling me like I was a 6 foot long hotdog. Lucky for KFed he was shipped off to celebrity fat camp before I became passionate about killing. Anyway, whether the "zombies" are infected by a virus or just shambling around eating anything that moves, the zombie killer in me makes no distinction between zombie types. If I ask you, "how do you do?" and you look at me like you're going to tear me to shreds and eat my brains, then it’s time to whack a slice off your dome. With a helicopter. With so many helicopter killing zombies scenes to learn from, I recommend you view the classic scalping first:
And then the gorier take from 28 Weeks Later:
Gore Score: 10 out of 10
#7
Dawn of the Dead (1978): Shotgun
Zombie films offer critiques to consider on consumerism, conformity to an older generation, and racism, but the boomstick remains the most likely candidate to blow the mind of both viewers and zombies. I don’t know if this poor soul was a human or a zombie, yet I do know this head bursting scene is in a realm of badass beyond anything I've ever done. Unless you count going commando on casual Friday sort of badass. My co-workers don't. Blink at 0:28 and you’ll miss the boomstick:
Gore Score: 7 out of 10
#7
Dawn of the Dead (1978): Shotgun
Zombie films offer critiques to consider on consumerism, conformity to an older generation, and racism, but the boomstick remains the most likely candidate to blow the mind of both viewers and zombies. I don’t know if this poor soul was a human or a zombie, yet I do know this head bursting scene is in a realm of badass beyond anything I've ever done. Unless you count going commando on casual Friday sort of badass. My co-workers don't. Blink at 0:28 and you’ll miss the boomstick:
Gore Score: 7 out of 10
#8
Undead (2003): Pen and Soda
I imagine the directors of this inventive flick are thinking, "I don’t need no stinking plot, I got zombie fish nipping for brains and that’s pretty cool." Well I thought it was pretty cool too until I heard about a zombie fighting a shark. This movie could use some of that. With a premise like "beauty queen decides to leave town when zombifying meteors hit the townies" it's hard to go wrong. Let’s just say what it lacks in multiples of beauty queens it makes up for in spazzy characters cornered by zombies. Or something. I’ll shut up now and let you get to the awesome that is one zombie’s mouth + soda can + pen.
Check it out
Gore Score: 5 out of 10
#10
Diary of the Dead: Scythe
Samuel was the only entertaining character of Diary. Just as he was introducing himself via handheld chalkboard, zombies appeared. Unfortunately, Samuel's bad luck wasn't just that he was Amish. He was also mute and deaf, so no one could warn him when a zombie snuck up behind him. When Samuel finally noticed a zombie on his back, he impaled himself (and the zombie) with a scythe into the front of his own face and out the back of his head, creating a deliciously gory mess. Someone should have told him if point A is his face and point B is the zombie's face, then start by stabbing point B and never ever stab point A. An Amish Shishkebab:
Gore Score: 6 out of 10
#11
Return of the Living Dead 2 : Screwdriver
You know what I love about Return of the Living Dead? They made sequels. And what kind of guys don't like zombie sequels? Pansies. Whenever I watch the opening scene of ROTLD 2 I anticipate some thriller-like crotch-grabbing. Surprisingly enough, it doesn't happen. Also, it's because of the ROTLD zombies cry of "Brraaaaiiinnns" that I've come to realize brain-starved zombies are merely asking to borrow human intelligence in a really rude way. Think about it. Nigerians tried to become aliens by eating aliens, thus isn't it logical to believe zombies eat brains to become brainiacs? It's entirely conceivable that somewhere out there a zombie is munching on brains, developing a cure for cancer, and making billions with internet zombie porn. Like zomi-zombie-god. Zombie Pr0nZ! Zombies obviously have reasons to value their own brains as much as they value yours. So help the zombie in this scene screaming: "Get that damn screwdriver outta my head!" Screw it:
Gore Score: 6 out of 10
#12
Resident Evil: Extinction (2007): Front of Rig, Dynamite, Pot
Meet Carlos Olivera. He smokes joints that he finds in somebody else's big rig. He runs over zombies. He blows himself and many zombies up with dynamite. And my girlfriend said she wouldn't have to fake it with him. Ouch. Pass the J at 6:08:
Gore Score: 4 out of 10
#13
Night of the Living Dead (1968): Rifle
As long as you have been paying attention to horror movie rules at any point in film history, it won't ruin NOTLD by saying the black guy dies. From the death of a mother at the hands of her little girl to the iconic black man being shot by the iconic white man, Romero loaded NOTLD with social and racial topics you don't normally want to think about. For simplicity sake, let me break it down like this--Martin Luther King's assassination occurred in 1968, the same year Duane Jones starred as Ben in NOTLD. This scene isn't a badass zombie death, but the thoughtless murder of Ben is a badass and timely commentary on racial tensions. Turn on your brain:
Gore Score: 2 out of 10
#14
Planet Terror: Leg Gun on Pole Dancer
When Cherry Darling, played by Rose McGowan, loses her leg, El Wray attaches a grenade launcher/machine gun to the go-go dancer. Rose’s legs are crucial to the film as she is often seen hobbling around, firing her leg gun to kill a crowd of zombie militia and, most importantly, her legs are vital to her sultry pole dancing. Those are the kind of legs that beckon me to make change for fistfuls of twenties. Here's Rose dancing before she gets a leg gun. It's hot. You can look, but you can't touch:
W**re Score: 10
