Celebs, they’re just like us! That is, if we were prone to penning 400-page tomes detailing the most embarrassingly intimate, disgusting, and boring details of our lives.
Here the masterminds behind the live stage show Celebrity Autobiography: In Their Own Words present some of the grandest works of oversharing stars.
You’ll never want to read again.
Kenny Loggins
“I want to let your love open me like an envelope. I want to taste your breath. To drink you. To make love without birth control and scream together when we come (and not get pregnant) at least once a day.”
Suzanne Somers
[poem] “If anyone has any extra love / Even a heartbeat / Or a touch or two / I wish they wouldn’t waste it on dogs”
Lisa Rinna
“Continue to let your hands help you…twist the shaft. And don’t forget ‘the stepchildren’ (Lou’s term for the testicles, as they tend to be ignored)…And remember, technique is important, as you don’t want to hurt anything (cover those teeth!)…”
FIERCE BATTLES: Inspirational stories of struggles with animals, letters, and wigs.
William Shatner
“[I said to the gorilla,] ‘I love you, Koko.’ And with that she reached out and grabbed me by my balls…Her handler said, ‘Stand very still. She wants you to go to her bedroom.’…Meanwhile, in the adjoining compound a young gorilla who they hoped would mate with Koko was pounding on the door like a jealous husband. There I was, caught in the eternal triangle, with a gorilla holding on to my rapidly shrinking scrotum.”
Bret Hart
“There had to be at least one fan who went home thinking, Wow, the World Midget title changed hands tonight!”
Vanna White
“Sure, it’s not the most intellectually challenging job in the world—few jobs are. But it is hard work…Once, while turning the letters in the middle of a round, my belt broke and nearly fell off, but I held on to it and kept flipping those panels.”
Andre Agassi
“Warming up before the match, I pray. Not for a win, but for my hairpiece to stay on.”
TOUGH GUYS: They’re rough and tough, and they whisper sweet nothings to their biceps.
Sylvester Stallone
“Have you ever talked to your muscles? As you bring up the dumbbells, say ‘Grow!’ It’s what I call ‘body dialogue,’ where I actually converse with certain parts of my body.”
Brian Bosworth
“I’m bashing people with my fists, cutting my hands up in their helmets—a badass Cuisinart puréeing people into vegetables. If I’m really into it, I can’t feel the gash until I look down at my hands later and notice that half of them are gone.”
Chuck Liddell
“Song I have played when I am walking into the octagon: ‘Too Cold,’ Vanilla Ice.”
Mr. T
“I’m sure there will be other books about me, but they won’t tell it like it is…So here is the unadulterated truth, told, written, and spoken in such terms that even a FOOL can understand what I am talking about.”
WANG TALK: Tommy Lee inspires awe.
Ozzy Osbourne
“So I peered over his shoulder. And there it was: his dick. Like a baby’s arm in a boxing glove. The fucking thing was so big, the chick could only get about a third of it in her mouth, and even then I was surprised there wasn’t a lump sticking out of the back of her neck. I’d never seen anything like it in my life…‘Dude, sit down,’ he said. ‘Take off your pants, man. She’ll do you after she’s done me.’ ”
SEX: Spice up your love life with some revolting tips!
Tera Patrick
“[My boyfriend Roland] put my pearl necklace in my butt and then made me wear it around my neck when we went to dinner with his parents. I was so turned on watching Roland stare at my dirty necklace during that dinner. Roland’s also the guy who shaved my pussy bald. I had a bush before I met him!”
Marilu Henner
“When it comes to sex, it doesn’t even matter if I feel fat or depressed. There’s always room for Jell-O. And that ‘head-ache’ excuse? Bogus…I’d much rather treat a headache with a bare ass than a Bayer aspirin, any day.”
Tommy Lee
“A good idea to fire up your relationship is to drive down the highway at about 65 miles an hour and have sex with your girl…[But] you’ve got to be careful. Never use cruise control, because there’s no bigger bummer than crashing your car mid-fuck.”
Janice Dickinson
“Getting your cherry popped while peaking on acid is definitely not the ticket, girls. Trust me…He was up there pumping, beaming, proud. He thought he was taking me places I never dreamed of going…They were all the wrong places.”
THE POWER OF WOMEN: And the C-word.
Artie Lange
“My staying power wasn’t due to…some kind of tantric sex self-hypnosis I learned from Sting. It was strictly the awkwardness of the situation, because I was preoccupied with the fact that we were fucking in my father’s handicap van.”
Burt Reynolds
“I really believed that Loni Anderson and I were the couple atop the wedding cake. I never thought we’d topple from the upper tier…Shopping might have been a way of life among Hollywood wives, but Loni turned it into an art form.”
TEEN BEAT: The youth have something valuable to say!
Olsen Twins
"What happens when we both want to wear the same thing on the same day? We talk it over, and then we usually decide to take turns. Mary-Kate will wear something one time, and I’ll wear it the next time. Having a twin keeps us grounded.”
Jonas Brothers
“Our current wardrobe favorites consist mainly of ties, dress shirts, vests, ascots, and really nice shoes. What’s fun is that we pretty much wear the same clothes on-and offstage. We don’t wear ties because we have to…we genuinely like to!”
Justin Timberlake
“I ran onstage after a quick change with my fly unzipped. My pants almost fell down all the way to my ankles…I also broke my thumb onstage before…Luckily it was the last song of our set. I just held the mike in my left hand the whole time.”
Miley Cyrus
”There’s nothing wrong with being young.Young people have lots of energy! Most people know me as Hannah Montana. But Hannah is a television character. That doesn’t make her real, and it doesn’t make her me.”
SURGERY ANYONE? Treasured memories of Mommy.
Tori Spelling
“We were having a formal family portrait taken with our dogs, and I was getting frustrated with my bangs…So I asked my mother, ‘Am I pretty?’ She looked at me and said, ‘You will be when you get your nose done.’ I was stunned. My nose, as noses tend to be, was right in the middle of my face, and I had just been told it was ugly. So long, innocence.”
ASS MEN: No butts about it.
David Bryan
“I always said Jon was born with a horseshoe jammed in his ass, and I’m holding on to it tight. Every once in a while, I get a little shit on me. Who cares? Brush it off. We’re still going. That guy made a deal with the devil.”
Jose Canseco
“Back in the 1980s, I was like a rock star…I had it all: the body, the personality, everything. I was Hollywood. When most fans thought of me, they didn’t think of me playing baseball; they thought, He’s dating Madonna, or, He’s got a great ass.”
FOOD: Chow down with the drool-inducing stars.
George Hamilton
“If you’re wandering the aisles of your local grocery store late some Satur-day night and you see the word ‘Tasty-kakes,’ go no further. Peanut Butter Kandy-Kakes, Chocolate Juniors, and Butterscotch Krimpets are true miracles. The packages even have an 800 number so you can have your Tasty-Kakes FedExed to your doorstep…I prefer to have mine with a nice, chilled bottle of very dry champagne—Moët & Chandon White Star if you’re alone, Dom Pérignon if you’re having a guest…”
Star Jones
“Take away the wigs and the eyelashes and the fabulous clothes and you’ll find me at White Castle, feasting on a half-dozen of those greasy square burgers…I also wear fur. I know a lot of people don’t approve of it, but I like the feel of a mink coat.”
Sarah Palin
“My philosophy on being a carnivore: If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come he made them out of meat?…I always remind people from outside our state that there’s plenty of room for all Alaska’s animals—right next to the mashed potatoes.”
FORBIDDEN LOVE: Thanks for ruining our childhoods, freaks!
Maureen McCormick
“[As Barry Williams and I] continued to kiss and press against each other so closely that we could feel each other’s body heat, a part of me—a tiny part, admittedly—said to myself, ‘Oh, my God! I’m kissing my brother!’”
David Cassidy
“My dick was getting hard, but I was thinking something like, My sister here is attractive, but do I really want to fuck my sister? Even though, of course, Susan [Dey] was not a blood relative, that’s how I’d come to think of her.”
