If only some sanitizing wipes and a splash of perfume could fix their problems. Herewith, the biggest celebrity disasters of This Our Tabloid Era.
Britney Spears
The original Great American Tragedy: she dropped the accent and the pink wig, but she's under parental surveillance, her tour's a mess, and she's still in love with Justin. America, look what you've done.
Lindsay LohanIt's just infuriating at this point. Eat something. Stay at home. Avoid fake tans. Come on, LiLo, help a fanbase out.
Pete DohertyThe English-speaking world's favorite male crackhead is considerate enough to check in on his local London police station at least once a month. How he manages to keep it up for the various supermodels he beds is something of a scientific mystery.
Amy WinehouseAmy would be the English-speaking world's favorite female crackhead. These days she's more of a plain drunk, but she managed to get hauled into court within 3 days of her return to the UK, so. Potato potahto.
Courtney LoveShe has a fair number of legitimate excuses, but the colorful blogging and dramatic weight loss don't really paint a picture of someone who is “dealing” well.
Joaquin PhoenixOk, buddy, rap career or no, the bloating, facial hair, spaciness, and assaults on random fans are starting to grate.
Drew BarrymoreWhat. Are. You. Wearing?
Mickey RourkeNo really, what are you wearing?
Paula AbdulPaula is a Mess of Hope, of Joy, of the Mysteries of Painkillers. Really though, as long as she is safe, maybe don't clean her up, because American Idol is a hoot.
Mischa Barton
Poor Marissa Cooper; your mom is a porno and the next thing you know you're dead on a mountaintop (she died on a mountaintop, right?) and you can't get another decent job to save your life.
