16. Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker
Consoles: Arcade, Sega Genesis
Game objective: “Just to tell you once again, who’s bad.” Michael Jackson sings those lyrics in his song, “Bad.” Not only is Michael Jackson bad, but so was his video game. In this game, Jackson walks around beating up adults and saving kids. When attacking, it almost looks like he is kicking and punching pixie dust at the villains.
Why On The List? Because in this game, Mikey is beating up adults and good looking women to save kids. And we all know Mike likes kids a bit tooooo much.
15. Brian Clough’s Football Fortunes
Consoles: Acorn Electron, PC Games
Game objective: Brian Cloughs Football Fortunes is a soccer game. The game can be from 2-5 players. Each team manager competes in a league of 9 other teams to for the F.A. Cup.
Why On The List? Look at the screenshot below and tell me if you think it looks like a real soccer game. I just see a few numbers and a green box.
14. Eddie Kidd Jump Challenge
Consoles: C64, MSX, ZX Spectrum, Acorn Electron, BBC Micro
Game objective: Eddie Kidd is a British bike stunt performer, similar to Evel Knievel. Jump Challenge was released in 1985. In this game you have to ensure a proper speed when jumping over cars otherwise you’ll smash into the cars.
Why On The List? Eddie Kidd is talented and all, but if I were to play any game that involves a motorcycle back in the day, it would definitely be Excite Bike. Not to mention the sound effects are pretty annoying and the graphics aren’t that great either.
13. Emlyn Hughes International Soccer
Consoles: Amiga, Amstrad CPC, Atari ST, Commodore 64, ZX Spectrum
Game objective: Emlyn played soccer from about 1964-1984. He was the captain of Liverpool F.C. and the captain of the England national team. This game was made around 1988. The objective of the game is kick the ball into the net. Duh!
Why On The List? The design of the game must have been decent for its time, but given current standards I could probably design the graphics better myself using Microsoft Paint.
12. John Elway’s Quarterback
Consoles: NES, PC (MS-DOS)
Game objective: John Elway is a former quarterback for Stanford University and the NFL Denver Broncos. In the 1983 NFL Draft, he was the first pick by the Baltimore Colts before being traded. This game is very similar to John Madden football: pick a team, run some plays, make some touchdowns.
Why On The List? As much as I think John Elway was a terrific player, there were a couple things that made this game seem ridiculous. I remember when I played this game they overused the “charge” song. Also when the a ball was kicked through a field goal, it would practically fly out the stadium every time. Football games have come a long way since the days of this game.
11. Jahangir Khan’s World Championship Squash
Consoles: Amstrad/Schneider, Atari ST/E, Commodore, PC (MS-DOS)
Game objective: Jahangir Khan used to be the number one best squash player in Pakistan. He is also considered the greatest squash player in history. He won the World Open six times and the British Open 10 times. In 1991, he licensed a video game called Jahangir Khan’s World Championship Squash. The objective of the game is to win various Squash Club Competitions and move up in the league.
Why On The List? Squash and video games don’t go hand-in-hand. Notice how they never really made any more squash games after this one?
10. Graham Gooch’s Test Cricket
Consoles: Acorn Electron, BBC Micro, C64, ZX Spectrum
Game objective: Graham Gooch is a former cricket player. Graham Gooch’s Test Cricket is an arcade and simulation game. During the game’s peak, it was considered one of the most accurate cricket games of its time. Your Sinclair magazine rated the game 3/10 stars because of the inability to change field settings and because of unrealistic run rates. The objective of the game is to win the most number of runs.
Why On The List? Aside from having a terrible drawing in the starting menu, the sound effects of this game were just terrible. I didn’t know balls make a farting sound when they get hit.
9. 50 Cent: Bulletproof
Consoles: PlayStation 2, PlayStation Portable, Xbox
Game objective: Signed by Detroit rapper Eminem, Curtis Jackson III (50 Cent) has risen to fame with his breakout song “In Da Club.” From there 50 Cent has been through 4 solo albums, countless “beef” with other rappers, and earned $100 million through his equity in Glacéau (maker of Vitamin Water). It sounds like 50 Cent has it all figured out… except for video games. In 50 Cent: Bulletproof, you have to hunt down villains and hit men that attempted to murder at one point.
Why On The List? Rappers and video games generally don’t mix well together (with the exception of the Def Jam fighting game). Bulletproof somehow managed to sell over 1 million copies. I’m assuming because the graphics are pretty good. However the game did not win positive reviews by gaming publications.
When I saw the trailer for this game, I thought it looked terrible. The game starts out by 50 Cent talking about how hard it is living in the ‘hood and how you should be friends with him instead of being his enemy. He was talking about this while rounding up other members of G-Unit.
All of this sounds pretty lame when you hear it from a video game. Somehow they gave this guy his own Apprentice-like reality show too. 50, please stick to rapping.
8. Jackie Chan’s Action Kung FuConsoles: NES, PC-EGame objective: Yup even before Rush Hour fame, Jackie Chan was popular in 1990. He had his own video game back then for crying out loud. In Jackie Chan’s Action Kung Fu, the player controls Jackie Chan in a mission to rescue his sister. In order to gain health, Jackie has to kill frogs. Why? I don’t know.The henchmen that Jackie has to kill in this game are birds and dudes with swords. In one of the special stages, Jackie has to jump on as many clouds as possible. Why birds and clouds? Don’t ask me.Why On The List? I can understanding the rescuing the sister part, but everything else just doesn’t make sense whatsoever.
7. Kyle Petty’s No Fear Racing
Consoles: Super NES
Game objective: Kyle Petty is a NASCAR driver/entrepreneur/actor. He has had two video games licensed by him. Kyle Petty’s No Fear Racing was pretty bad. Not only were the graphics and game-play terrible, the developers of the game did not know the rules of NASCAR when creating it. Cars were allowed to use nitro boosts even though NASCAR banned it in 1950. When the race is finished, the top 3 winners of the game are celebrating in the winner’s circle. In actuality only first place celebrates in the winner’s circle.
Why On The List? This game broke many of the rules and traditions in NASCAR. Given the credibility that Kyle Petty had with NASCAR, you would expect the game developers to do their research before stamping his name on it.
6. Bruce Lee
Consoles: Atari 8-bit family, MSX, ZX Spectrum, Amstrad CPC, BBC Micro, C64, MS-DOS
Game objective: Get Bruce Lee from chamber to chamber while battling wizards, ninjas, and The Green Yamo.
Why On The List? I’ve never seen a Bruce Lee movie where he fights wizards and ninjas. I’ve seen him fight Chuck Norris. If Chuck Norris was added to the game, then it would be named after him since he has the ability to count to infinity, twice.
5. Shaq Fu
Consoles: Super NES, Sega Genesis, Game Boy, Game Gear, Amiga
Game objective: In the game, Shaq O’Neal accidentally wandered into a dojo when he was supposed to go to a charity basketball game in Tokyo. In the dojo, Shaq fell into another dimension. In this undiscovered dimension, Shaq had to rescue a boy named Nezu from an evil mummy.
Why On The List? Shaq Fu was rated on the worst games of all time. The website, shaqfu.com is dedicated to buying every single copy of the game out there in order to destroy them all. Just because you can dunk and break an entire basketball backboard (see sports section of Rock The List), that doesn’t mean you also happen to know Kung-Fu. Shaq is too uncoordinated to know Kung Fu, damnit.
4. Britney’s Dance Beat
Consoles: PlayStation 2, Game Boy Advance and PC
Game objective: You start out the game as an amateur back-up dancer. The game has a dial with the different control symbols that the player has to match in order to make the backup dancer avatar bust a groove. The dancer aspires to become the next Britney Spears backup dancer.
Why On The List? If winning the game means you get to become K. Fed status, count me out. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! WAAAAH!
3. Mary-Kate and Ashley Sweet 16: Licensed To Drive
Consoles: GameCube
Game objective: You may not have known this but the 22 year old Olsen twins have had many, many video games licensed by them. Seeing the lack of interest people had for these games, Acclaim decided to halt production of the series 4 years ago. Two months after their 18th birthday, the Olsen twins sued Acclaim for abandoning the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen game franchise and not getting a certain amount of royalties from it.
In Mary-Kate and Ashley Sweet 16: Licensed To Drive, there are a series of mini-games to celebrate the 16th birthday of the twins. This includes earning a license, driving around, surfing, yada yada yada. One of the activities should have been to escape being harrassed by Bob Saget.
Why On The List? I’ll let you come up with a reason why.
2. Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball
Consoles: Super NES
Game objective: I’m not going to sugar coat it, this has got to be the one of the worst games ever made for the SNES. The game is supposed to be based in 2030 where Bill Laimbeer is playing against robots in basketball. Fouling is allowed, the audience is allowed to throw mines into the game, and players can use weapons. The objective of the game is to move up in the league.
Why On The List? Aside from the game just being a terrible idea, playing the game will make you question why you spent any money on it.
1. Home Improvement
Consoles: Super NES
Game objective: The tools have gone missing from the set of Tool Time, the TV show that Tim Taylor (played by Tim Allen) hosts on the sitcom, Home Improvement. Home Improvement received such negative reviews because the game just did not make any sense. Taylor starts the game in a jungle and has to fight giant ants, dinosaurs, mummies, and robots. What does that have anything to do with recovering tools?!
Why On The List? Yes I know it is not directly connected to a celebrity, but the game is just so terrible that it had to be mentioned. Tim Allen you should be ashamed of yourself.
